Life Begins When?

This is hard for me to write. I don't want to admit what I consider to be my biggest failure, my daily temptation. But if I write it down, I think it will help me with my accountability. It will help me remember why we are choosing to do something that goes against today's norm; against what society tells us is the only "smart thing to do", the "only realistic and logical way to plan our family".

I think about taking birth control daily, but I don't because I know it's wrong. It's wrong for us because we know how it truly works. It may make family planning a whole heck of a lot easier, but I don't want to ever wonder if I prevented a child for us to love or a sibling for my children to play with. I don't ever want to wonder if  because of my selfish wants and desires{planning our family using artificial contraception} I have a child waiting for me in Heaven because a form of birth control prevented me from meeting him or her in person.

Have you ever thought about it? Do you know how birth control really works? Let's answer the next question first. When does life begin? I know not everyone will agree, but I think it's safe to say that most Christians say "At conception".

If that is the case, which I believe it is, then you are carrying a CHILD from that very moment.

Now lets back track a little bit. 

Artificial birth control is designed to "trick" a women's body into thinking that she is already pregnant. It is designed to make a women's uterus a "hostile environment".

So, if life begins at conception and the BABY is unable to implant itself because you have taken artificial birth control and created a "hostile environment" for you child, that pregnancy is no longer viable. That baby no longer has the opportunity at life.

There are circumstances where birth control doesn't work. Yep, it's only 99% effective. So there is a chance that you could become pregnant and nine months later meet your precious baby. But there is also a chance that you and your husband created a child that you will never meet here on earth. There is a chance that you will never meet your child until you meet our Creator. I don't want to wait until then. I can't wait until I can meet my Creator and live in His Kingdom, but I don't want to get there and be ashamed. Ashamed that I did everything in my power to prevent His children from having the opportunity to live this life, to fulfill his or her Godly purpose.

This is hard to write, this is hard to read, this is hard. But this is the truth. Not all will agree and most will try to find away around it; to justify it. 

It's scary to trust. Its scary to think that we are ultimatly not in control. God is.

Trust

Lord, Today I am being a faithful complainer. I am coming to you in the form of prayer. Please hear me. Please love me. Please shower me with your grace and mercy. Please give me strength to trust you. Here is my prayer Lord:

Trust. Lord, where is mine? Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I just turn everything over to You? You created my inner most being and yet at times I wonder if you forgot to give me the "trust gene". I am always anxious and worried about what's to come. I don't always look forward what you have in store with trust and openness because I want to be able to control everything myself.

I don't want to struggle with the openness to life. I don't want to feel "closed" to life as though I am using NFP as a form of contraception. Because it isn't. That is never what you intended it to be. Why do I feel like NFP offers two ends of the spectrum but rarely the perfect balance. Some women yearn for that one positive pregnancy test while some are so fertile that the pure thought of being intimate with their husband seems to get them pregnant. 

There are times when I feel like a "Doubting Thomas". When my trust in you seems to be failing me, all I long for is to see the holes in your hands and the wounds on your side. I do not want to be unbelieving but believing. Believing that you know exactly what I need. Believing that you know my struggles with NFP. That you are purifying me and continually transforming my heart to resemble yours. 

Lord, I will continue to be obedient to you. We will, with your will in mind, continue to discern the size of our family being careful to avoid adding children for our own selfish reasons, but also giving adequate attention to both of our girls and the ability to lovingly raise and support them.

Within the last few weeks, I have seen my heart truly soften. I am slowly seeing that by practicing NFP with a truly open mind and heart, that I am more willing. I am more willing to accept your will whether it be embracing the gift of new life or accepting and loving the two precious gifts I have already been given.  

But I am not fully there. I don't know when I will be. I pray Lord, that I can be at peace with the unknown. That all my anxious thoughts and useless worrying can be put aside and that I can fully trust that your will will be done in your timing. 

Amen.

Introduction

Disclaimer: I know many people will not have the same perspective and outlook as I do and that is okay. These are my thoughts, feelings, and complaints. I need an outlet and this is it. I invite you to read and respond if you would like, but please always be respectful even if your opinion differs from mine

Almost four years ago I said yes to a loving, devoted, and godly man when he asked me to marry him on the top of Crough Patrick in Ireland. Little did I know what God had in store for us and our future family. Over our year long engagement we discussed many topics that would affect our upcoming marriage, and God-willing, our family. The hardest and touchiest being our decision to use artificial contraception or not.

We both had differing opinions and reasons why we held them. Without going into all the personal details of our marriage, our ultimate decision came in October of 2009 after praying and talking with one another. We decided against artificial contraception and started practicing Natural Family Planning. We felt this better coincided with our religious beliefs, what God was calling us to do, and a better more natural plan for my health rather than putting  unnecessary toxins into my body.

Natural Family Planning is not the rhythm method; it is not just a Catholic thing. Many people use NFP as their preferred method of family planning. It is a way to naturally avoid or achieve pregnancy based on a woman's fertility signs throughout her cycle. Couples seeking to avoid pregnancy practice abstinence during fertile times and vice versa if trying to achieve pregnancy.

Now the reality of all this is that it is not easy, at least not for me. Every single day I am tempted to use artificial contraception because it is so much easier. I say tempted because deep down I feel that artificial contraception is morally wrong and if I were to use it I would feel a large amount of grief and guilt. So I have this fight going on inside of me daily that I am waging against the devil. He is tempting me to take the easy way; to stray from Gods will. And ultimately that makes me angry. Leave me alone Devil! I am trying to be a daughter of God. I am trying to be obedient. I am trying to be faithful. And it is hard enough without you in my way!

How This Blog Came to Be:

One night, just recently, as Sean and I were discussing our decision to use NFP I voiced to him the feelings of guilt I have for being so angry at God for making this decision a difficult one for me. "Why do I daily want to do something that I know is wrong?" "Why is my attempt at being a faithful daughter of God have to be so hard?" He replied "It's a temptation, everyone has their temptations. This is yours and the devil is working extra hard to get to you." In my head I was thinking "It is a temptation! Why have I never thought of it that way?" He then suggestion that I either start a journal or a blog as a way to help me voice my daily thoughts and temptations about the matter. Now at the time, I didn't say "Great idea honey, I will start tomorrow!" Nope, I was still angry and that just seemed like another thing to add to my already long daily to do list. But as it mulled over in my head for a week or so it started to seem like a better and better idea; so here I am. I am here complaining to God and inviting all those who wish to follow along in my battle against the devil to be a faithful daughter of God.

Should I Feel Guilty For Complaining To God?

Well I thought I should and I did until I sat down to do a little research and actually I found that God wants us to complain to him! Who would have thought?

The first thing I found out, which I think I knew, but it had slipped my mind until I started reading about it in more detail is that the book of Psalms is full of complaints to God! This book of the bible, which I am now making my way through, is such a gift! It teaches and reminds us how to be a faithful complainer. This book expresses all sorts of feelings; sorrow, anger, fear, longing, confusions, disappointment, and even repentance! Now I just started reading this book so more will come on what is revealed to me by reading but at least now I don't feel bad for complaining to God. I actually now feel that God wants me to bring all my pain and anger to him although I already knew that.

Psalm 142: 1-2

With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord. I pour out my complaints before him; I tell him all my troubles.

What a RELIEF!

So here I go. Here is my outlet. Some days I will complain. Some days I will praise. This is my journey with Natural Family Planning. God has plans for me. He has given me two precious girls because I have trusted him and allowed him to be a part of my marriage. My ultimate goal for this blog is to find peace and understanding with our decision to use NFP and that I will develop a closer relationship with God as an outcome.