Trust

Lord, Today I am being a faithful complainer. I am coming to you in the form of prayer. Please hear me. Please love me. Please shower me with your grace and mercy. Please give me strength to trust you. Here is my prayer Lord:

Trust. Lord, where is mine? Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I just turn everything over to You? You created my inner most being and yet at times I wonder if you forgot to give me the "trust gene". I am always anxious and worried about what's to come. I don't always look forward what you have in store with trust and openness because I want to be able to control everything myself.

I don't want to struggle with the openness to life. I don't want to feel "closed" to life as though I am using NFP as a form of contraception. Because it isn't. That is never what you intended it to be. Why do I feel like NFP offers two ends of the spectrum but rarely the perfect balance. Some women yearn for that one positive pregnancy test while some are so fertile that the pure thought of being intimate with their husband seems to get them pregnant. 

There are times when I feel like a "Doubting Thomas". When my trust in you seems to be failing me, all I long for is to see the holes in your hands and the wounds on your side. I do not want to be unbelieving but believing. Believing that you know exactly what I need. Believing that you know my struggles with NFP. That you are purifying me and continually transforming my heart to resemble yours. 

Lord, I will continue to be obedient to you. We will, with your will in mind, continue to discern the size of our family being careful to avoid adding children for our own selfish reasons, but also giving adequate attention to both of our girls and the ability to lovingly raise and support them.

Within the last few weeks, I have seen my heart truly soften. I am slowly seeing that by practicing NFP with a truly open mind and heart, that I am more willing. I am more willing to accept your will whether it be embracing the gift of new life or accepting and loving the two precious gifts I have already been given.  

But I am not fully there. I don't know when I will be. I pray Lord, that I can be at peace with the unknown. That all my anxious thoughts and useless worrying can be put aside and that I can fully trust that your will will be done in your timing. 

Amen.